The Super Secret Project - Phase 1 - Rough Draft

Hello!

Long time no post.

I had a very long term problem with trying to find my voice to write, and I almost gave up. Who wants to read fluffy, glittery, happy romance novellas? I felt like it would just be better to fade away into shadows instead of trying to force myself to write.

Well, then about two weeks ago I was struck by inspiration. This inspiration came on the heels of an annoyance, which makes sense. Emotions do light the fire, sometimes. I then decided to partake in this inspiration and see where it was leading me.

So far, it's already brought me over 17,000 new words!

What is this new project? Well, that's a secret.

Why is it a secret? Because I feel like I share too much too quickly and if I fall off the edge, then I feel guilty for failing.

Things are going well, however; and I thought I would update the blog. I don't know how often I'm going to update, but I will update as I move through the phases.

It's going to be a five phase project with writing and editing between. Stay tuned for more news at a later date!

Reading and Writing and Gothic Romance

Recently I read Northanger Abby by Jane Austen. Until this year, I had only read Sense & Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, and Mansfield Park. A few months ago, I discovered Austen's novella Lady Susan which she had written when she was younger. It was lively and filled with humor. I enjoyed it a great deal. I was very happy to discover that Austen had a similar style for Northanger Abby and I do believe it is now my favorite, displacing Sense & Sensibility.

One of things I enjoyed was the fact that the heroine, Catherine, enjoys reading Gothic horror novels.

I found a kinship with Austen as she rants about how a trend at the time was authors mocking the

heroines of other books. She believed authors should be band together as a community rather than attack each other. Novels, as she calls them, were deemed lesser literature. This theme still persists today in the writing world, even if the object of ridicule has changed.

Romance novels have long been though of as "lesser" even though the genre sells more books than any other. Alternately, indie books also receive disdain by being "lesser" than traditionally published books. The scholarly writing world puts their noses up at those of us who choose to forge ahead and make our own way instead of relying on the lottery that is traditional publishing. Many libraries refuse to carry indie books and it is nearly impossible to get them onto bookstore shelves.

I know all of the reasons for this, such as editing issues or feeling indie authors are "cheating the system," but I still find it ridiculous. Writers should be about supporting writers, not tearing them down for their choices. It is not easier to be an indie author. Just because my book is available doesn't mean people are buying it and reading it. Marketing is difficult and expensive. Also, it's up to me alone to take care of every detail of writing and publishing.

Each path has its own set of pros and cons, and one is not better than the other. It's like chocolate and vanilla ice cream. One is not better than the other, people just prefer one over the other. In the end, they are both the same thing.

Another addition to my life thanks to Northanger Abby is the discovery that all of the books Austen mentions are real books. Curious to read what Jane Austen might have read, I purchased all nine of the books mentioned for my Kindle. As I complete the nine books I will also review them here on my blog for the fun of it.

I have already started reading The Castle of Wolfenbach by Eliza Parsons and it has inspired me.

I've decided to write my own Gothic Romance, set in the fictional kingdom I'm creating for my Regency Romance. While it is another project, it's also one I've been working on at a steady rate for the past week. It has been a year since I published Promising Love but also a year since the struggles with my writing began. I hope that is turning a corner and I can finish all three projects I have started in 2018 and 2019.

That's my update for now! Expect my review of The Castle of Wolfenbach soon!

Slow Going

I've been at my job for a few months now. It's a great job and so much better than my last job in a lot of ways. Unfortunately, it is also a very busy job.

Despite that, I have been working on my next novella a little bit. It has been slow going. I know what I want to have happen but also my brain is so tired when I'm home. I'm sure I'll get back into it at a better pace soon.

I'm still also debating if I will ever write the next installment of my Patient Love series. I have honestly felt very uncertain about the whole project all year. The self-doubt is pretty big and a constant in my life, which is why I don't even bother talking about it much.

Another change is that I had to cancel my subscription to Word. For anyone publishing anything on Amazon, I recommend Word over any other tool. It is so easy to use. It took me less than five minutes to set up my paragraph formatting and then you just save as HTML and upload it straight to Amazon. The two talk to each other and it saves so much time and money. Except it is $10.34 a month. That's not a big deal, but when you're not publishing books it's kind of pointless.

My plan right now is to buy a personal version Word but only once I have projects ready to publish.

That's my update! I've also updated the #LoveLines page.

Take care!

Many Days, No Postings

Well, I'm writing this post because I haven't posted in a while. My new job has been great but also left me tired and without energy. I'm hoping to fall back into the groove of things again soon. Next week will be one month since I started this new job!

Until then, know I'm not gone. This is just an extended break until I get back into the swing of things.

Big Changes

Big changes in one are of life always cause a ripple effect through everything else.

My first week at my new job went well. Learning so many new things - a new drive, meeting new people, new computer systems, new workflow, & a new type of work, - was all very good but also mentally taxing.

Also, meeting so many new people fills me with anxiety. Everyone at my new job is incredibly kind and helpful. Bullying behavior is not tolerated. Despite that, I'm always uneasy with the impression I'm making with new people. It may not seem like it on the page, but there's just something about me that causes many people to tire of my presence. I don't know what it is, but I know it is there.

I haven't found my footing just yet. It also means I didn't get any writing done at all. Once I have a new stable routine in order I know I'll be able to write again. Instead, I've done some reading, which is a different part of the writing process. I've also left my mind open for ideas for my new stories.

I hope everyone has a good week. Again, I won't be as active as I was before on Twitter, but I'm not gone.

New Beginnings

This week's #LoveLines theme is Beginnings, and there is a good reason for that. Elle recently started a new job and I'm starting a new job on Monday. It wasn't planned for this to happen. In fact, I found it very strange that she needed to switch jobs and then a month later so did I. I knew I needed a change, I just wasn't expecting it when it came.

It's a good change. I'm moving from a job that stressed me out to a job that is something I've wanted to do for a long time. However; it's going to cut into my time on platforms like Twitter. On Mondays, I try to retweet every #LoveLines participant at least once. I do this as both a welcoming gesture and because everyone is looking for a chance to be heard. This is one thing I'm not going to be able to do that anymore. Perhaps I'll find a way in the future but at this time it will be impossible.

I'll still update my blog every week and participate as much as possible when I have time (during my lunch break and in the evening.)

I hope you all have a lovely week and new beginnings this spring.

Innocent Gossip - Short Story

Today I'm posting my short story Innocent Gossip for those that do not have Wattpad. If you'd like to sign up for Wattpad, it is free. You don't need to share writing and can read all types of indie works for free.

This is the first story in what will be a collection of shorts stories that I'm calling Heart Bits. Here is the cover on Wattpad:

Innocent Gossip

Amanda Kestrel

They met for the first time in the boardroom. Her first impression of him was his height. He towered above her but his easygoing attitude and quick smile stripped him of intimidation. She was put at ease by his witty charm and willingness to engage her in playful banter. It was a daily pleasure for him to step into her office to discuss clients with a touch of flirtation. If she had been willing to admit it, which she wasn’t, she would have called it a school-girl crush.

That’s all it was.

That’s all it could be.

He was married. There had been more than one mention of trying for a baby. She was happy for him. The thrill of seeing his face and the low timbre of his voice was a harmless secret. There were other men out there, eligible men if she cared to look. She told herself she did but found herself entrenched in her work.

She quietly reveled in small moments they shared.

During a meet and greet, they were forced to stand shoulder to shoulder in a small conference room. The smell of his cologne and the warmth of his arm through his shirt jacket was intoxicating. His pinky finger brushed against the back of her hand as he moved. She was relieved to survive that meeting without making a fool of herself as her head swam in a heady fog.

After that, she tried to avoid a second encounter. Their chemistry was strong but it had to remain innocent. It wasn’t her goal to reveal her feelings and elevate their relationship. She dared not believe he saw her as anything more than a colleague and dreaded hurting his wife.

When he began taking more time off she began to suspect that the hoped-for baby was becoming a reality. He didn’t announce it to the office, but she waited for the day. She steeled herself against the last proof her desire was a foolish dream.

It all changed with a little innocent gossip in the breakroom.

“Did you hear why Kyle’s been out so much recently?” Maureen asked Wendy while they waited for their microwave lunches to heat.

Lisa’s attention was roused by the mention of his name. She kept her head bowed over her phone and pretended to read.

“Probably off on some fancy vacation again,” Wendy said, annoyed at her own lack of time off.

“No, I heard he’s getting a divorce.”

“Can’t be. I heard they were trying for a baby.”

“That’s what I thought, too, but I don’t think she can get pregnant.”

“Really? I bet that’s what tore them apart.”

The two women gathered their food and exited before Lisa could hear anything else. She sat up straight in her chair with the quiet stirring of hope in her heart.

Stop it. It’s just a rumor. She felt her pulse quicken despite her own warning. Even if it were true, the odds were slim that anything would come of it.

That afternoon, she looked up from her desk to find him in her doorway. He leaned casually against the molding with his arms crossed and a crooked smile on his face.

“Hey, Lisa, how’s it going?”

“I didn’t know you were in today,” she lied, always aware when he was out.

“Yeah, I know. I’ve heard some scandalous things floating around about me.” His smile grew a little wider and so did her eyes.

“Oh?”

“You know, the usual. The wife and I bought a villa in France or we now have our own private beach somewhere. Or maybe I have a mistress on the side.”

She laughed lightly, relieved that she didn’t blush.

His smile faded. “It’s not that glamorous. I’ve been visiting my lawyer.”

“Nothing serious, I hope.”

He shrugged, looking away. “My wife and I split up. We just finalized things last week.”

“Oh! I’m so sorry.” She wondered if she sounded surprised.

He shook his head. “It’s fine. I’m the one that wanted out.”

“I didn’t know things were bad.” This time her surprise was real and she felt guilty by a rush of excitement from the revelation.

“Anyway, we have that Maxwell file to work on and I was wondering if you’d like to get some dinner while we work?”

“Sure. Of course. I don’t have any plans.”

“Great. We’ll head out at five. I’ll drive.”

“Okay,” she said.

He smiled again and was gone. She covered her mouth with her hand to stop herself from squealing. It was just a business dinner, like so many others she’d had. It wasn’t a date.

Why does it feel like a date?

The hours in the day slowed to a crawl. She found herself unable to concentrate fully on her work. It had been a long time since she’d watched the clock so closely and agonized over how slowly the minutes changed. Life outside of work wasn’t dull but there was little variety to garner expectation. Her favorite moments from the past two years were spent at the office when he was near.

At five o’clock, she forced herself to wait. She logged out of the computer but sat with her hands on the keyboard as if she were about to start typing. It was better to let him come to her, she decided, to avoid revealing her anticipation. When he appeared in the doorway, she moved slowly with a conscious effort. She picked up the file for the client and carried it under her arm.

“Are you ready to go?” she asked the obvious.

“I am,” he said and flashed her a smile she had never seen before.

She walked passed him and half expected him to put his hand on the small of her back. He didn’t.

This isn’t a date, she reminded herself.

His car was a silver sedan with black leather interior. It was clean and not what she expected. His easygoing attitude gave her the impression of a man that left the office and flung his tie into the backseat. Either she was wrong or he had cleaned up before offering her a ride. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye as he drove, unable to read the truth in his expression.

“What do you feel like?” he asked.

“Anything is fine, really.”

“I’m up for steak. I know a place that’s not too country and not too upscale.”

“Alright.”

He knew she wasn’t the type to eat salads to impress. Of course, he’d only seen her at work and not out on a date.

It’s not a date.

The restaurant was nice with a quiet atmosphere and dim lighting. She placed the file on the table. After they ordered, they discussed the client and issues that had been resolved the week before while Kyle had been out. Her excitement dwindled and was gone by the time their entrees arrived. She closed the file and moved it away from the food.

He surveyed his plate before leaning forward to grin at her. “That’s enough of that. I think we can safely say this was a business meeting.”

She stared at her food, unsure if she had heard him correctly. “What?”

He sat back. “Oh, come on, you don’t have to pretend anymore. I know you’ve had a crush on me for a while now.”

Her heart picked up speed and she began cutting her meat as a distraction.

“Am I wrong? Because I’ve wanted you from the moment we met. Let’s get what we’ve both wanted.”

Her eyes jumped up to his and he nodded. “Aren’t we paying with company credit?”

He shrugged. “Our entire relationship has been with the company. One dinner won’t hurt.”

“But, you just finalized your divorce. Don’t  you need time to grieve?”

“It’s been over for a long time. Signing the papers only made it official.”

She took a bite, wanting him to explain but was afraid to ask.

“Let me put it this way. She was no longer what I wanted and I was no longer what she needed. I just had to make the push to send her in the right direction.”

It made sense. “What do you want?”

He didn’t answer but their eyes remained locked and his smile was hungry for something other than food. She felt the heat creeping through her and her body tingled at the possibilities. Two years of waiting was well worth the time.

The conversation lightened but as they ate the heat remained. Under the table she felt his foot brush against hers. When the check came he paid and gave her a knowing wink at their small conspiracy and paid in full with his own company card. As the left the restaurant she walked beside him and when she stepped ahead to exit, she felt his hand on the small of her back.

She turned, blushing. His arm encircled her waist and he led her back to his car. Before he opened the door for her he leaned in and kissed her. A quick brush of lips escalated as the fire within her was released. He pulled her close and she put her arms around his shoulders. After a moment, they parted. She felt lightheaded and breathless.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” he said.

“Me too,” she admitted.

He smiled. “What would you say if I told you I’ve wanted more?”

It’s too soon, isn’t it? “I would say yes.”

His face lit up and he opened the door. She could feel the cool leather through her blouse and skirt in contrast to her fevered skin. He kept glancing at her as he drove, eyes expectantly tracing her face and down her curves to her leg. His fingers brushed against her exposed knee and she shivered with anticipated delight.

He pulled into a parking lot. She looked up at the building and glanced at him, confused. “A hotel?”

“Sorry, I’m still unpacking at my new place. You understand, right?”

I wouldn’t mind that. “Yes, of course.”

“Wait here.”

She watched him walk across to the office. Her mind reeled in two directions, both for and against what she was about to do. It wasn’t like her but she wanted him. It could be a funny story they told someday.

When he returned, he led her to a room on the first floor. The door closed. He pulled her into a kiss. Her misgivings melted away in his embrace. They moved as one through the small space to the bed. She was vaguely aware of her shirt making its way to the floor to mingle with his. Their skin touched, burning with longing.

She fell back onto the bed and he was above her. Their hands entwined as their bodies entangled. His lips were cool against her bare shoulders. He leaned in close and she felt his breath on her ear as he whispered “Lisa.”

Lost in that moment she cried out. Everything she dared not imagine came true in an instant and was gone. She curled up beside him on the bed but he did not stay. He stood up and walked to the bathroom. She lay on her side watching the light spill out from under the door and listened to the sound of running water wash away her happiness. He reappeared and gathered his clothes from the floor.

“I should drive you back to your car. It’s getting late and I have an early meeting.”

She blinked to prevent tears from slipping out. “Right. Of course.”

In minutes, they were dressed and in less than ten more they were back at the office.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said.

There was no goodbye kiss. The chasm of disappointment yawned within her heart. At least he waited to drive away until she was safely in her car. As his taillights faded into the dark she sat alone and cried.

I’m so stupid.

In the morning, she walked passed each coworker with a sense of dread. Maureen seemed to stare at her discriminatingly during their usual hello. When Lisa sat down at her desk she noticed a form letter on her keyboard. It was an expenditure report from Kyle.

“Your department will be charged $42.87 for your share of the meal,” she read in a low whisper.

Her hurt and anger swelled in her chest. She marched down the hallway with his notice in her hand. 

She burst into his office and slammed it down onto his desk.

“What the hell is this?” she demanded.

He looked at her as if she were crazy and it only intensified her anger. “What is what?”

“This,” she said, pointing to the report.

“It’s for our dinner meeting last night. You know, per policy.”

“But I thought…” she began but trailed off.

“You thought what?”

“I thought,” she paused again to fight back her confused upset. She was making a scene. Everyone would know. “I thought your department was picking up that check.” The words came out in a pleading hiss.

“And I thought our departments had a mutual understanding that it was a one-time shared expense.”

Once again he was making her feel stupid. She turned away and crossed her arms. He stood up and shut his door.

“Listen,” he said quietly. “I have a feeling that maybe you didn’t understand the purpose of last night.”

She shrugged.

“This was a one-time thing. I thought that was clear.”

“It wasn’t.”

“I didn’t divorce my wife because I want a new relationship. I want to be free to have fun with other women whenever I want, like last night.”

It all became clear.

“She was no longer what I wanted and I was no longer what she needed.”

Lisa turned to him and shook her head. “Why me?”

“I like you and you like me. Even if it wasn’t last night it was a sure thing, wasn’t it?”

She hated knowing it was the truth.

She picked up her expense report and nodded to herself. “Sorry to have bothered you,” she said and walked back to her office.

Her eyes traced the faces of the co-workers she passed. A few curious glances trailed after her due to her outburst. Even if they didn’t know they would talk. She could already hear them whispering before she closed her office door.

There was no such thing as innocent gossip.

© Amanda Kestrel 2017